I sat in a leadership meeting last month where the real issue never got said out loud. I could feel it. Everyone in that room could feel it. We talked around it for forty five minutes before I finally named it directly.
The relief was immediate. Not because the disagreement got resolved. Just because someone finally said it plainly.
I’ve been thinking about this since I came across Priya Parker’s new book, The Art of Fighting. Her whole premise cuts against what most leaders believe: that good teams and communities aren’t the ones who avoid conflict, they’re the ones who know how to have it.
I’ve come to believe most teams don’t actually fear conflict. They fear conflict without rules. Nobody wants to disagree in a room where disagreement might cost them the relationship, their standing, or their job.
So I ask clients: what are your rules of engagement? Not culture statements. Actual rules.
Who can challenge a decision, and how? What happens when two people on the leadership team see something completely differently? How do you know when debate is over and it’s time to commit, even if you didn’t get your way?
Most teams have never written this down. They’ve assumed everyone already knows, and everyone’s version is different.
I think of conflict the way I think about sport. Boxers train for years to hit each other, hard, on purpose, inside a ring with rules everyone agreed to beforehand. Take away the ring and the rules, and it’s just two people hurting each other.
Give a team the ring, and they can fight for the best idea instead of fighting for their ego.
What would happen if your team wrote its rules down before the next hard conversation, instead of during it?
