Did you buy the milk?
Five words. A simple question. And somehow, two hours later, you’re sitting in silence, heart still racing, unable to recall exactly when it turned into that conversation.
This is what psychologists call escalation bias – our tendency to match and then exceed the emotional intensity we perceive from others. Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships shows that conflicts spiral in predictable patterns. What begins as a neutral query transforms through tone, assumption, and defensive posture into something unrecognizable from its origin.
Here’s the paradox: the spiral happens fastest with people we know best.
We fill in the gaps. We assume intent. We carry the residue from yesterday’s slight into today’s mundane question about dairy products. As Maya Angelou observed, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
The capability was never the issue. Neither was desire. The breakdown happens in the space between speaking and hearing – that thin membrane where meaning gets distorted by our own unresolved emotion.
Here’s what stops the spiral: pause before you respond. Not to craft the perfect retort, but to separate the question from the story you’re telling yourself about the question.
Because most spirals aren’t about the milk at all.
They’re about being seen. Being heard. Mattering.
And once you recognize that, the conversation can finally begin.
Are you hearing?
